Guest Post by The Photog: Life with a Fashionista - Day 3

Over the past couple of weeks, I've provided two days of my abridged training program on Life with a Fashionista (Day 1 here; Day 2 here).  You might ask how any of my stories thus far can actually be considered training. Well, they aren't.  At least not on their own.  Today, we train.

For the gents reading this: I promise you will want to soak up the information on Days 3 and 4.  You will hate it.  You will resent me.  You will want to throw yourself off a building.  But TRUST ME.  You will need this information if you are to capitalize on Day 5.  And you WILL want to capitalize on Day 5.

So without further delay, Day 3: Acceptance without Assimilation*.

* - In other words, understanding them without becoming one of them.

Session 1: Basics of Fashionista Language

I'm a Southern guy.  I say "y'all," "fixin' to," and "over yonder".  Everyone knows what those words mean and how to use them in a sentence.  "Hey y'all, we're fixin' to go over yonder and have some dinner."  See what I mean.  You know exactly what I said.  Doesn't matter where you're from.  Southern = Universal language.  Why fashionistas cannot use Southern as their official language is beyond me.  Seriously.  You're not an elf in Middle Earth.  Speak English!

Sigh.

It's bad enough that women confuse everyone with words we already know (e.g. "You know what you did to piss me off." [note for all women that make this statement - no we don't!])  Fashionistas use some unknown, made-up crap to make things even worse.  They use words like "chic" (pronounced sheek - not chick), "obvi" (ob-vee), and "buh-nanas" (buh - [pause for 5 seconds] - nanas).  Several things wrong with these words: 1) no one knows what they mean; 2) apparently they can be used in many different ways; 3) can you say high maintenance? (see Day 1: Session 2)

How bad can it get?  Bad.  Real bad.  For example, there is one thing every guy needs to watch if only just one episode (and I can't believe I'm even recommending this...) - The Rachel Zoe Project.  I will tell you up front - you will be lost.  That's ok.  Understanding what is being said is not the goal (good thing, right?).  The key to session one is simply realizing that fashionistas add yet another layer of complexity to the otherwise already confusing world in which we live in.  Remember...

Acceptance without assimilation.

Session 2: How to not get Hurt

Shopping sucks.  It really does.  Don't care if it's for food, for clothes, at the store, online, whatever, whenever - shopping sucks.  But, alas, it's inevitable.  We can't starve.  For the fashionista, shopping is life.  Luckily, they don't even have to buy anything.  The act of shopping - also known as browsing - is just as vital.  (Pinterest, anyone?  I rest my case, Your Honor.)

There's a good chance the day will come when your fashionista will want you to go shopping with her.  Gents, this will be as painful for you to do as it is for your wife to birth a baby, but resist the urge to decline her offer. I know, I know.  It seems nothing good can come of this.  But I promise, there's an end-game.  So man up, grab your smartphone and go with her.

Smartphones.  Good for games.  Good for music.  Good for networking.  Also good for taking notes.  No, I would never ask you to document your entire shopping experience and all of your fashionista's wants/needs.  Ridiculous.  All I ask is that you note the names of the stores and, if you can swing it, the store managers.  Seems trivial now, but you will thank me later.  Let her relish the time with you and opportunity she's getting to be your guide.

Acceptance without assimilation.

Oh, and make sure you're wearing your Dr. Scholl's inserts.  You don't want to get hurt.

Session 3: Dodging the Bullet

Guys, we've all been there.  Caught in the trap.  Your fashionista just asked you a question.  Bam.  You feel like that deer you spotlighted at 3am.  Fret not, my friends, help is on the way.  I've got some tips and tricks to help you dodge those bullets.  You're welcome.

Bullet 1 - "Does this go together?"  Pleading ignorance here means you don't listen to/care about anything she says/does.  And if you can answer the question, you've been assimilated and there's no turning back for you anyways.  Instead, respond with "I love that color on you.  It really highlights how much weight you've lost."

Bullet 2 - "Does my hair look like I haven't washed it?"  Seems innocent, but this one can be tricky.  Saying yes means dinner plans just got delayed by two hours.  (I don't care if you're Bear Grylls himself - no man can last that long without food.  Just sayin')  Saying no means you don't care if she looks like a slob at dinner.  Instead, "I love that color on you.  It really highlights how much weight you've lost."

Bullet 3 - "Does this make me look fat?"  Do not answer this question.  Do not answer this question.  Do not answer this question.  Instead, channel your inner Neo.  "Did you see how big Rachel Zoe's son is getting?"  See what I did there?

Acceptance without assimilation.